25th NOV. too much thinking in my mind,just because this was 25th nov.11:00pm i finshed my work ,left the cafe with HULYA my coworker together and met her boyfriend and his friends and talked a while .then leaded the way to back home .too tried for working .just want to back home to hug my bed.

when i arrived the hotel which is renewed .a boy appoched me and asked: alblum .alblum..nerelisin?" i used to have this kind of things in my life .it happened  in inidia ,in iran .in pakistan .also in istanbul .

i just ignored him .i walked more fast..i know he could lose interest if i just ingored .when i reached the fruits shop.i turned my head  back ,i saw he walked back to taksim squre.

Ok,safe. so i put my nerves down  .

Then i saw a cute white dog on the street .i said hi...and byebye to it .and i saw a sweet couple passed me by ..ohhyaiii..sweet! i am single   .shite...

when i turned right to the lane to my apartment ,i saw two cars passby after me . then a guy on the phone  walked very fast.:

offf..the weather is not very good recently in istanbul ..alwas fogs..see!.all the car parked on the street  are covered one layer of water drops !i talked with myself.

i opened the door,there are 2 doors in my apartment ,i opened one , i always let it closed by itself.

when i tried to open the second one ,suddently i found the boy just standing out side!! !HE FOLLOWED ME AND TRY TO ENTER!!OH MY GOD!! damn it!

i flied back to the door and  pushed just seconds,i think he tried to enter.if i was late for seconds.he could come in .and he STARED at me through the glass with the look as a KILLER! a phosyo killer!

then he turned right disappeared ,IT JUST HAPPENED IN SECONDS!

i was frightened out . just back home in min and talked with my flatmate.and hugs them .

there was the frist time i was so scared .

 

istanbul ,i love you ,please don't let me go !because i do'not  filful all my dreams here yet......and i believe my path to go  my destinations is here.before  please let me alive to see and still smile and be myself to tell.ok?

 

 

 

Sleepless again.

where is me ?where you want to go ?

read my travelling dairies of 2 years ago.damn it!! i found i lost myself again .yes.i am growing up .but i am aging .i lost the most important part of myself that i always thinking there is most important things in my life.but the piont is :i donont know what i lost.

why when i was in bad conditions life when i had lots of problems with hard life but i always can get lots of happiness and so easy to be happy .why now i am with good life that something in my hand that i dream for why i am sad why?

why i was so true to myself to write all my feelings on blog but now only just some words? why i believed all things would come true if you believed it why now i know somthing in life just time .

yeh..people always try to find the path to go the place they think they should go .and i also .where is the solutions.

what i need in my life?

i presuded myself but also same time i doubt myself .please tell me ,where is my direction?

i was so strong to believe to go to do .could i find the courage back to still believe?

year by year.

now i remember one sentence that from a guy who i met on the silk road: travelling is not the solution for life.yeh..you meet some nice people on the road (in the life) but later you forget each other after keep in contact for a while .

but still now on .travelling is my sulotion for my life .that's the only candy in my life that i feel sweet. that i really need now.

everytime i was so weak when i am sick .after  4 days dizzling life ,i am reaching the explortions point that i just want to pull out. i am fine i told myself .but i am feeling my heart going to be numb .i become closed,and don't care about anything.i am expecting something is going to happen.i need a break!

please,my future ,give me something some hint to let me  stop looking my past .

i need go.

 

A time to be born , and a time to die.

A time to plant ,and a time to pluck up that which is planted.

A time to kill,and a time to heal.

A time to break down ,and a time to bulid up.

A time to weep,and a time to laugh

A time to mourn,,and a time to dance;

A ime to cast away stones,and a time to gather stones together.;

A time to embrace ,and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get,and a time to lose,

A time to keep ,and a time to cast away.

A time to rend, and a time to sew

A time to keep silence,and a time to speak.

A time to love ,and a time to hate;

A time of war,and a time of peace.

 

Generally speaking,these meeting occur when we reach a limit,when we need to die and be reborn emotionally.these meeting are waiting for us.but more often than not .we avoid them happening.if we are desperate,though ,if we have nothing to lose.or if we are full of enthusiasm for life,then the unknown reveals itself.an our universe changes direction..

 

Everyone knows how to love ,because we are all born with that gift.some people of us have to re-learn.to remember how to love ,and everyone,without exception.needs to burn on the bonfire of past emotions ,to relive certain joys and griefs,certain ups and downs,until they can see the connecting thread that exists behind each new encounter.because there is a connceting thread.

 

And then  our bodies learn to speak the language of the soul ,known as sex,and that is what I can give to the man who gave me back my sol ,even though he has no idea how important he is to my life.that is what he asked me for and that is what he will have .i want him to be very happy.

 

 

all above from  PAULO COELHO <<eleven minutes>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

因为临时工作关系,隔了那么多年,终于重新申请了个QQ.这个遥远的聊天工具.

QQ只有三个人,唯一和工作无关的是弟弟.

偶然间打开了他的空间,才发现,我离我原来的世界有多么遥远.

习惯了MSN.习惯了英文.甚至现在的生活方式.原来,我走的太遥远了.

他的世界他的烦恼他的想法,原来我从来不曾知道.

他在QQ

我在MSN.

 

我写不下去.复杂的感受.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invited by daphne to her home where is top floor on 31th.and from there you can see whole istanbul .the view is amazing ........

but she said ,now the baby is coming ,she want to have a house with a garden where make everything like a home .

the apartment where she is living is luxury .

I donnot know where is my home .but from that moment i just enjoyed the view from the top 31th of the whole istanbul .felt i was on the top of istanbul that made me dream .

Because this book .EFFES become a holly place that i should go for visiting .and luckly carla would want to go back home to meet her mother .so 5 gilrs a group went there.I always imagined that i go travelling with friends to take adventures after i did too much alone .

soke effes sirience  ve kusdasi.3 nights .and i tried how to swim.

though i still cannot get my "light" from effes that the book described .but i have been the places that i wanted to go .

14^th September .is the date that issued on my passport as my birthday but actully that’s not  that I have to carry it with me forever. If someone always with something that never belong to her .she become more mild that always can understand there are lots of possiablites in the world more than our imaginations.

I got lost ..again ..one month and 7days.i lost in the past also the untouched future from past.that already became past now .confused and pushed myself into isolations that I bulit for myself .there is nobody there only yourself.i learnt from one book and .i found myself again from another book  THE MISSING ROSE in istanbul turkey 2009.

I think I already killed myself lots of time and reborned lots of times .and until now I understood.i have to kill myself again .i think the best way to grow up that tried  to run of your displine.i remember in the book THE VALKYRIES: if you want to change yourslef to see angle ,one of proceeding is to ate your promises.and I did.and truly I found I arrived a place that I would never arrive beofre. Please donnot misunderstand me .here .

Everyone have past.when we holding it tight .it hurt .but I know I am happy who am I here.i already did what I am pround of .and I fighted for what I dreamed for .and still I am fighting for that.

Everyone have their life to filfull.and I am keeping searching of my dream : I think one day I will be at place that near the seaside with a nice white house with lots of flower around it.then I will place a windchain in front of the house.also a hammock .that place belong to me that I called it home .

Donnot give up ! I know life sometimes disappoint me.and others gave me lots of ideas of them .and when I saw them I am so anxious I will become like them .and I copied .i changed myself into form that not belonge to me .some parts that others want..i lost the chance to look inside of my heart that I did when I travelled. Oh..no I just need something from others make myself I was alive that I requried more than I got .

Yes.maybe the mountians that I am climbing that I am trying so hard to see the top view is really common .but the points that what I will leave on the footprint will never same like others.my size my stoires .

i try to be unique.to be different.but alos I know we are same common people but when I realize that I become different.then transform into unique.

i am happy that I am still thinking  .i never walk far away from my heart.to see the world that I found another me inside of myself who is more stronger that always protect me and warn me to go the place that I have to be ..

now I told myself I have to do 3 things:

1)zero myself..

2)find a faith

3)draw out t the dreams

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最近太懒惰。。。。我 。

Time: 21:05pm  15th July 2009         Location : KFC ...      Lao Xu  ve Me.

Xu was talked with a friend on the phone ,i looked around this place.Damn it ..So small here.I met my classmate in primary school .my classmate in high school..now i am sitting with my schoolmate in university.and my nephew 's friend sitting on the right side table..

Couple of days ago .i was headache for one question.because still no news from my visa to go turkey .i think that could be a sign from god to tell me to think about things over .so i did.My brother hoped i could stay here .not go somewhere again .to help him to bulid the "kingdom" .though i said no.but my thought beat up for it . i know my heart tell myself to travel .but i did a stupid thing before that i though it was right but actully i was wrong .two thinkings fighting in my head..there is no right or wrong .that just choice.then turn into  different  fate.

I am looking around ,blank in my  head. then i see two girls wearing takewondo suit climbing to the second floor.ohh..i was young like them .i went to the takewondo club to learn that  for only 2 days that i gave up because so hard for me.i tried lots of things before but failed to bulid myself.until 2007 i found the right way to find the real me .though i still didnot know where i belonged to and what i was looking for .

And just this moment ,i feel it and i see it  and i touch  it .i remember Sau asked me before" what's your ambition?" i didnot know how to answer,because i didnot know!! and now i know the answer.And the blueprint of my future just blooming like flower in my mind ~beautiful ~and amazing~

I smiled and told Xu ,and my life enter into Episode III On the Road To Reach Home......

 

Sorting out my belongings ..i am travelling again ..go and back ..used to that ...i donot know why tonight so desire to want to lisen one song from one movie that i watched in india : OM SHANTI OM.

 

 

when the melody came out from the computer! all my skin suddenely woke up!!!

INDIA.....

 

i lost words.lots of momories back .....god..2007..and now 2009.....why the time past so fast ...........................................................

 

这开始的音乐老是环绕在我脑海，以及在印度的日子。我爱印度电影。

 

为什么会在一年多以后在另一个国度被另一个国度的文化感动到想哭？

 

My spainsh friends want to visit china on June .they want to see Tibet .so i checked Egypt \s website .she went there 2 times.tried to find some valuable informations .

And i saw all! Thanks Egypt .I never know you write so many articles about me .and said lots of words to me

When i saw that one you wrote on 4th May 2008 .tears welling in my eyes.you know ..all memories back ..and i saw 14th Sep. 2008, ,yes.i jumped to iran from thailand that i suprised you so much ...

sorry that i didnot go to your blog too much to see your heart .everybody have too much things about themself .

Hugs...

i was so happy to meet you and alla in inidia  : ) .

 

Hugs..

 

we always walk on our road to go the place we will go but please be happy and belive  and keep the hope !

life is not bad that you never know what wil happen tomorrow also have to forget what already happened ..to seize PRESENT.that we only have!

Make your rules .and run your world!

 

Hugs..

 

00:10 istanbul turkey   tonight i miss one friend so much!

 

 

00:30 am Istanbul time .i couldnot fall asleep..got up ,open the laptop...turn on my MSN.and i am here.The airplane ticket is in my bag that i took today .Finally .i will go back china again .

This month ,i was happy i think .i got so great birthday party that i never had before .went the club which one recommoned by cayce with narcho and jesus.danced and laughed ,the waiter brought the candles ,that make that night so romantic when the electiricity just gone .after narcho told some turkish that day was my birthday.all the turkish sang "happy birthday " to me .and the candle was my birthdy candle !:D

i walked istical cad everyday ,i like to go KABATAS to see the seaview .i like the life here..i am the queen of my life .

i think i will miss all when i go back china .

Though my life always up and down .changs so drama .i learn from life .and master how to run my life to the place that i want to go .

one song called : never look back  ,

i think i have to keep on walking ,but when sometimes i turn back to wink to the past just because i expect my future too much .............

 

很想写日记，但是真的坐下来，却不知道从那个简单的字开始。

我怕我以坐下来就是不停的回顾，这回让我感到害怕，害怕自己在老去，我在成长，我很想拒绝成熟。但是这是我要走的方向。

最近发生很多事情。

我努力让自己习惯自己的高低起伏的人生。

相机和手机都无法被这台饱满奇异病毒的电脑识别。所以没有照片记录。一直以来我都喜欢用照片和简短的话来解释我眼中的世界。

最近自己也明白很多道理。这个世界不是非黑即白的世界。我很想让别人来了解我，但是我也明白，旅途中必须自己明白自己。

 

我发现我很想记录很多事情。很多美好的事情。以及不美好的事情。

四月的时候，去了一次中部，沿途的风景很漂亮，我也终于看到了大盐湖。也终于放下很多以前以为自己放步下的事情。

也许有时候看别人的人生，感觉看自己的过去。也许我们都不知道什么是爱，当我们奋力明白的时候。却是什么也做不了。因为爱不是简单的一个字。

我还是无法控制自己的购物欲。既然我打算让它放纵下去，那么我就要努力让自己有能力放纵。却发现我丢失努力的动力。

我让我的生活充满各色的活动。我喜欢被人喜欢。但是我知道这个世界总有不喜欢我的。

 

小妹回国了，我在土第一个朋友。CAYCE 离开ISTANBUL ，在土第一个我说了很多事情的人。大家都有各自的人生。我发现，我将永远是个背包客的时候，我突然间感到害怕，大家遇见又说再见。

和同屋参加他们的毕业晚会，记得很小的时候看港剧和好莱坞电影总是看到很多毕业晚会，那个时候很羡慕，很期待我的高中，高中没有满足我的这个向往。我就期待我的大学。当大学再让我失望的时候，我想我对此没什么追求了。终于晚了5年，我参加了一次。谢谢。我感觉自己很年轻。

 

和CAYCE 到她朋友一个波兰女孩的家，这个在中国住了7年的女孩子，能说流利的中文。她的家很漂亮，窗口可以看到无敌的海景。书房窗口看出去还可以看到欧亚大桥。CAYCE 说她的地方很有家的感觉。。是的。我想这是为什么我感觉很局促的原因。说不出为什么。

 

有时候觉得自己的很自信，和CAYCE 说话的时候，用的是三种语言。中文，英文，土耳其语。感觉很好。哇塞，真国际。当我发现我为生活奔波的时候，我发现自己什么都不是。

我相信一切却又怀疑一切。相信自己又怀疑自己。

 

好了。无论怎么的未来，用我自己的方式，每篇文章的结束语一定是激励自己保持乐观对待未来的。

看过去的自己，我觉佩服我自己，也觉得自己很可笑。

而，现在，所以很多东西，也只有时间能证明，给出最后的答案。而我，最终只是过客吗？

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart still poudering when i 'm sitting in front of the computer. iI still canot out of the excitement (or scared?)  from the adventure that i took in istanbul .

Today is labour day here,people made a strike.i saw in india before ,but never think it\s dangousers.ok.here the stroy goes:

this moring a girl called eva to our apartment ,classmate of my faltmate.i tried to go out to recharge my mobilephone ,she said she would like to go with me .for satfty considering .so when we got out ,we found lots of people haught out on the street.and unfornuately the street was blocked by police ,so we turned back ,the holicopter was making big noise up of us .suddently ,the street full of the smoke bumb,make people cry ,and smork moving fast,all the people runing to the outlet.we suddently no idea about this ,followed the people to go another street,and we found we cannot go back my apartment,( both two way of the road was blocked) we tried to go another place to my friend home ,but also ,blocked street ,we were rejected to pass by police.we headed to the seaside by advice from a police.at end of the street lead to the seaside ,a big tank blocked there!

" this is the first time i saw these in my life !"

"me too"

seaside: so peaceful: people lied down on the grass..sat at the teahouse,chaging laughing ..............what just happened like a dream and never appeared before..

 

1.mayis....2009........13:15--15:16........................................

Time:19th april .2009..11.23pm..

Location: one club ..osmanbey istanbul ..

2 married chinese woman with 3 unmarried chinese girl with one single guy  sitting at the coner in a mixed traditional and morden turkish bar.

one turkish couple dancing in the stage..hug each other..so sweety ..

so ironic...: the 5 women all with their problem..i was one of them ...we drank lots of beer try to throw our problems away ..and in the center of the stage .so sweet couple ..................

i always say ..woman is more flexiable more than man and more stronger than man..see who we are....we are the most weakness creature in the world also we are the most strongest ...

life is easy .just walk forward .......

i make a  wish ..and i know me just me i have my way to walk and my life to fulfill ....

always try to be happy!